A Journey of Healing – New Beginnings

Ten years ago, I broke my hip, in fact it nearly broke in half. It was so severe that not only was I rushed off to emergency surgery, but they had flown a trauma surgeon from a nearby city to come and do the surgery. The surgeon told me point blank; he’d never seen a break like my own outside a high speed crash. No one believed me when I said I had no idea how it happened. Healthy strong bones, active person, the only thing I knew I did was a jarring misstep on a curb, but that was after I had already been in pain for a while.

 I remember dragging my foot along the ground carrying my youngest on my hip towards the car after dropping the kids off for school. I remember crying out loud when I pressed my foot down on the gas pedal and forcing myself to try and use my left foot instead of using my right due to the pain. I remember not sleeping for days on end because I was in so much pain. Getting in and out of bed, waking the kids, making meals, doing laundry, driving the kids to school and back, and playing with them. My kids were my love, my light, my passion, but I was holding tears and screams back in silence.

Everything beyond the kids was at the time a blur that I tried to ignore. I brushed things to the side, gave excuses to how I was treated, apologized for things I had no control over. Would feel guilt when there was no reason too, and feel anxiety just answering a question.

Everything changed in the ER. I was shown exactly who my now ex-husband was, who he really was. The lack of any support from the second I dragged myself in the ER. His nasty words and selfish comments were an eye opener, and to wake up after surgery with no one in the room for me. He didn’t call me, didn’t even know how surgery went or to check up on me. It was as if I ruined his life by being hurt, and I actually apologized.

 I had known for sometime things shouldn’t be the way they were between my ex and I, simply made excuses for the way he acted or spoke to me. I felt guilty for not seeing it clear before, felt guilty for making excuses, felt guilty for those times I simply apologized for something I didn’t even do, or took blame for something I couldn’t control. I just didn’t want to make waves. Then it hit me like a Mack truck.

I walked on my broken hip for THREE MONTHS because whenever I brought it up to him , I was shut down with his response of my pain, and I felt as if I did something wrong. This broken hip opened my eyes in more ways than one, and I am so thankful for this journey, no matter how hard it’s been, I’m here now stronger than ever because of it.

Now was my time to heal though, not just physically but mentally and emotionally. I was told that I may not walk, and even if I did walk, didn’t know how well, and or how much pain I would be living with. I was not having any of that and my stubborn self,  saw it as a challenge. Would say this determination was both good and bad, because I pushed myself to the limits and it wasn’t always the smartest thing, but the thing was, this focus of getting back on my feet was keeping me going through the other challenges. I didn’t want to focus on what was wrong in my personal life.

Started researching, and doing everything I could on my own, taught myself yoga, and learned to meditate, both were a form of pain management for me. Would post my recovery online, sharing quotes, or my own words to hopefully help someone else. Along the way I started realizing there was a mountain of things I was uncovering, years and years worth of manipulation, control, abuse and more. Yoga for me became a way to not just express myself but to uncover who I really was deep down, and it awakened me to my strength.  It took about six months to get back on my feet, a little longer before I could get the kids to school and get around better. 

I found things to be positive about each day, spoke positively to others, all the while the physical, emotional and mental pain would take me down at times, but I just didn’t try to make it known to anyone. Didn’t want to be a burden, didn’t want to seem ungrateful or come off as complaining. I didn’t know until years later this was a trauma response. Just trying to survive.

It took me a few years to gain the mental and emotional strength to stand up to my ex and I never looked back since. That is/was an entirely different story that I won’t get into but let’s just say he showed his true colors even more during this time.

Now was the challenging part, the moving on and healing things I never knew where broken. The inner ME. I had no idea what 16yrs of abuse had done until I was away from it. Slowly myself and my four kids started to heal. Somedays are better than others but we’re all a work in progress. It took me awhile to realize that physically I could handle that entire situation again, mentally? It was tough and I know that others have had similar situations where they could have felt too stuck or lost within themselves. It’s not an easy place to be.

A painting of mine

I wanted to make a change. I wanted to help others. This past year I joined a yoga teaching course with the hope and desire to teach others through my story, through my experience how they can help themselves and how reaching out for help isn’t a bad thing to do, infact it can lesson the pain along the way. Knowing how much yoga, meditation helped me, and now through my course I’ve gained even more knowledge and the tools that would have really helped me many years ago. There’s no need for me to regret not reaching out or being hard on myself for not having the tools, I’m where I am now because of that journey.

And that journey has opened up even more with an exciting new opportunity for me. I happened along a post on FB the other week about a yoga course that caught my eye. A chance to participate in a 1 year 80hr Somatic Yoga for Mental Health Teacher Training program. This was for ME! I read through the description and practically jumped up and down, no joke, because I had been searching for courses, even teachers that taught somewhat of a Trauma Informed Yoga course. Searching for what I had been in need of years ago through my hardest times. It would focus on inner healing, learning more about trauma sensitive yoga, and helping those experiencing anxiety, depression, or are simply going through some personal inner work. The yoga course I am taking skims very lightly about inner work, and I knew it was something that I wanted to do with others, for others.

To be able to empower others along their journey, to encourage them and show them how they too can heal. I could gain more tools to further my own personal growth and gain the comfortability to reach out and teach others who are just like myself. This was my chance, and I applied, filled the whole form out I think it took me about an hour before I shut my eyes and said “ I got this.”

Sure enough I got an email a few days later. After bouncing around in my yoga room, oddly enough I had been doing yoga when the notification was sent to my phone and I just could not resist reading it. I was accepted into the program! So excited and so honored, I simply cannot express how happy I am right now for this chance.

I will for the next year share my experiences along the way of my new journey on the Somatic Yoga for Mental Health Teacher Training program. I am so honored, and so excited to be able to share this with you all and hope you will follow along with me. I have an area already set for yoga posts, so you will be able to see new updates not just in the “Recent Posts” section, but the “Yoga” section at the bottom of the homepage.

If you too are interested in learning more about trauma-sensitive yoga and teaching classes to support students experiencing anxiety, depression, are simply overwhelmed or burnout, this could be the course for you! Take a look at this 80hr Somatic Yoga for Mental Health Teacher Training course . This course starts On September 3^rd, so check it out and see if it’s a good fit! Now more than ever we need to have more knowledge and help with mental health not just ourselves, but for others. Together we can help each other gain the knowledge and the tools to overcome challenges we face in our day to day lives.

I will share my journey on all of my social platforms, so I hope to have you along with me for my brand new journey of healing!