Reflection

This is most defiantly going to be split up into a few differently posts. Each time I sit down and try to write it out, it gets longer, and even starting over I end up writing completely new things before going back to the first draft, so, let’s just say this is part 1 of many to come. Hopefully you tag along with me through the thick of it, if not, hopefully they each make sense alone if you catch one or two. 

Let us begin! 

My Somatic Yoga Teacher Training Class has been going amazing, and it really has made me reflect on things throughout the years. 

One of our assignments was to read through a book we choose from a list, I picked ” A Body Keeps Score” by Dr. Bessel Van Kolk. 

This book was challenging to go through, many times I had to put it down and just step away for a bit before diving back into it. It was a good thing, because besides making me think it gave me almost validation that what I went through wasn’t some insane thing, or how my body reacted, or how my thoughts would go this way or that, wasn’t crazy- it was normal. 

The body really does keep score of what happens to you in ways you wouldn’t normally think about let alone talk about. I remember in the end of 2017, a fire broke out in our favorite hiking mountain, we could literally walk to this place within minutes and would spend hours in it. Over night it was engulfed in flames and fire surrounded us everywhere. We were on high alert, waiting to be evacuated, school was out for 7+ weeks. Each day new ash pieces would fall from the sky, the air was thick with smoke, everything looked red. From that moment on every time I smelled the slightest bit of smoke, say from the toaster, or someone cooking BBQ, my entire body went on alert, my brain was already going down a list of things already packed and ready at the front door. I wouldn’t sleep. Eventually the smoke cleared, school started again and we even moved across country, but throughout the entire adventure each little puff of smoke in the air had me feeling as if it was happening in that second. I could feel the panic start, would double check lists to make sure we were prepared, made sure I knew the quickest ways out of wherever we were.  

You see, the body remembers trauma. Everything down to sounds, scents, colors, even sensations. So the next time you come across any of those things it’s as if you’re reliving that very moment. Trauma isn’t just the event that took place, it is also the imprint left by that event on the mind, brain, and body. It’s on ongoing experience and it doesn’t usually happen in any sort of main timeline. I may smell the smoke and my body may tense up before I even recognize that there is smoke. I may see flashes of it , or hear sirens that aren’t really there, all the while I’m either holding my breath or my hands and in a tight grip, I feel as if I am back in that moment watching flames burn down the side of a mountain and ready to run. I may be saying to myself it’s not happening, I am sitting down in a chair, or riding in the car, but my body feels as if it IS happening. It’s a fight/flight mode that traps you. Or at least that’s what it feels like for me. My body is reacting even though my brain is saying this is not happening, and it happens fast. 

It took a few months for the initial panic to die down, and after a few more years I’m able to quickly evaluate the moment if I see a fire again, but that’s not always the case. I already had PTSD at this point so it didn’t help my nerves one bit. What did help was constantly talking to myself and reassuring myself there was no danger in the moments the panic hit. I would take in my surroundings inch by inch , being very mindful of details and also my breathing. I worked through the way my body was reacting until it caught up with my brain so I was able to connect back to the reality of the moment. 

This isn’t so much the case for the base of my PTSD, where I was constantly, daily dealing with trauma. Over time the body adjusts to chronic trauma to the point where some people ( myself included) do not even register they are upset as they numb out. You go about the day as if it’s normal and you don’t see it’s effects. I simply shut down parts of me and just blazed ahead being that smiling, positive person for everyone else and neglected the emotional part of me that was constantly trapped within myself. The moment I was away from the main part of trauma was when it really hit. Not fun. At all. I felt like I was walking on eggshells even more, questioning things left and right, so unsure. It has taken a lot of inner work to come as far as I have now. At the core of recovery is self awareness. It is vital! 

It was through awareness that I was able to start uncovering bits and pieces over time, start placing them back together. It was reassuring reading through the book, giving insights on how my brain and body was working to protect me, even get me through some hard times. Now stepping back and looking at it all, how it unfolded was of course a mess, but I understand the why and how. That is the most reassuring part of this whole thing, to know it was normal. 

The book skimmed on many different case studies and throughout it, there were patients that said something similar to what I just said, their reaction to being told what they were feeling, what they were experiencing was normal, was a huge relief. Just the question alone of what is happening to me in a state of panic can be daunting, but to be told it’s normal and OK? Such a relief. 

I’m not sure how many people know just how powerful hearing those words can be, how much weight it can take off a person. We can feel trapped within our minds and bodies, all the while questioning ourselves, surroundings and thinking something is wrong with us. Lost in this darkness, even in silence most the time, hearing it’s normal can lift a ton of weight off of someone. It’s less questioning, less self criticizing, less self doubting. It can give someone the power back to know their body and mind is actaully doing something it’s designed to do for protection, for Them. Very powerful indeed.

I will have to do a couple reviews of this book over time, it was very heavy in many good ways and I think it’s important to touch base on certain things I learned from it, but for now I’ll stop before I end up writing a complete novel. Thanks for keeping up with me!